Girlguide Cookies
by archy the cockroach
Summary: it sounded like a simple enough plan. unfortunately, squally didn't read the fine print. [crackfic. squall.x.axel. AU]


And so I've done it.

The ultimate crack pairing.

Stoic-ice-cold!Squall with Sadistic-dead-inside!Axel.

Let the retardedness begin.

* * *

**Girlguide Cookies**

**Chapter One:** RUN FROM THE BIG BAD WOLF

**Disclaimer:** whistles

**Pairings:** squall/axel, mentions of riku/sora, cloud/aerisand tidus/kairi.

**Warnings:** …uh, gay men boinking in Yuffie's car. Well, not yet, at least. But language, extreme OOCness for this first chapter, buckets of innuendo, mountains of Yuffie-bashing and just general stupidity.

* * *

"SQUAAALL?" 

The man named Squall bolted down the street, going as fast as his poor legs could carry him. Even in the morning, the sun was hot as hell in the summer. The crazed woman was screaming down the sidewalk behind him, and it was common knowledge that Yuffie was a whole assload faster than the man.

Still, fear can do things to you.

Things like, make a cold as ice man cower under the stairs for a few hours and run to his best-friend/punch-bag for help. And Cloud was laughing his ass off ever time that Squally showed up on his doorstep, holding a teddy bear and **deathly** afraid.

"SQUALL, I LOVE YOUUUU."

Ironically, as soon as Yuffie screamed that, a darling little teenage couple got in the way of Squall, and he tripped over their intertwined hands, and literally kissed the pavement. He was truly tempted to say; 'Yuffie, I'm leaving you for this pavement. We have more chemistry already, and we've just met.'

"Squall, why were you running? I baked you a cake!" tempted Yuffie, bending over to pick her boyfriend up. Squall scratched at the sidewalk, looking for something to hold onto. He really wanted Mr. Bumpkins, the bear, right now. But, Squall was supposed to be a 'cool' guy, so of course he just said:

"I hate sweet things."

"I know that! But I baked it for you, you could at least _try _it," grumbled Yuffie. She pulled Squall to his feet with surprising strength. She was almost a whole foot shorter than him, but could bring fear into Hades himself. Yuffie scared everybody. Of course, Squall just made the best of it by singing the Jaws theme whenever Yuffie came around. Somehow, that made him TEEHEE, and took away his thoughts of impending doom.

They always returned full force when Yuffie attacked him with kisses. It made Squall flail hopelessly, and hope for the devil to strike down the small woman. He'd seriously sell his soul for that.

"Sooo, Squally-poo? Wanna stay home today and CUDDLE?" said Yuffie, in her singsong voice. Squall openly shuddered, and slumped over like a pile of goo. Yuffie cuddled her Squall-goo even closer.

"Yuffie, I have to go to work," whimpered Squall. He didn't have to work until tomorrow. Yuffie immediately released her grip on Squall, and he fell to the pavement like a forgotten gumball.

"You don't spend enough time with me," said Yuffie, before swaggering off down the street. Squall picked himself up, a little flustered as people watched him with utmost curiosity. As Yuffie crossed the road, Squall half-hoped that she'd get hit by a car, and maybe end his suffering.

And then he decided the guilt might be a little too much to bear.

But, DAMN, would it be entertaining!

* * *

The coffee shop was entirely empty- that was pretty much the way that Squall liked everything. The place was lit by sunlight, and a few spotlights over the counter. Jazzy music streamed in through the speakers, and seemed to mesh in the entire maroon and chocolate color scheme. There was only a lonely, blonde-haired woman who looked almost 70, sitting at the corner table by herself. Squall almost wanted to go over and cry on her shoulder, since she looked like the type who would let him do that, but her finger suddenly jabbed out with surprising speed. 

"Fucking fly. NOW YOU ARE SQUOOSHED," shrieked the woman, earning an amused laugh from the person working the till. Squall looked over to where the noise had been emitted, and found his eyes placed on a man clothed entirely in black, the only discoloration being his maroon apron, with licorice-red hair spiked out every way possible and poisoned-apple green eyes echoing with dark humor.

"Heeey, leave the flies alone," said the man/boy, anorexic-thing-who's-hair-was-bigger-than-his-waist. "They're my entertainment." He hand effortlessly hopped over the counter (instead of taking the much easier route around the counter) and made his way over to the woman, pretty much ignoring the tall-man standing in the doorway.

"THE FLIES ARE EVERYWHERE!" yelled the hysterical woman, waving her arms around. She jumped when the red-head appeared behind her, and spun around in her seat. "DON'T DO THAT."

"Silly Chimney Elf. It's time for you to go back home. You scare away the customers," said the man, smiling mischievously, poking the old woman on the nose. "And besides, your 83 cats need to be fed."

"I'm not a chimney elf," the old woman muttered, venom dripping off of her words, before she stood up and pushed past Squall, intending to go back home (Squall hoped). After the woman had left, the red-head's eyes had turned to Squall.

"I suppose that you want some coffee," said the red-head, grinning widely. Squall hesitated, and then nodded. The redhead was back to the counter in two-seconds flat, still smiling like a damn hyena. "As you can tell, we don't get much business in the summer. Order lots or I'll sic Granny on you." Abruptly, the amusing image of being 'squooshed' by the old woman invaded Squall's brain. Instead of laughing like Squall had wanted to, the man rolled his eyes and approached the counter.

"So, what do you want?" said the redhead, pointing to the menu above him. "Take your time. I'll be here _all_ day. And you can hold me on that."

"Just plain coffee," mumbled Squall, idly wondering if he had bruises on his face from where he had taken a nose dive into the sidewalk to match the large scar that extended across his nose bridge. He must have looked pretty stupid. But then again, this man he was staring down was equally silly- he had black tears tattooed under both of his eyes, and more eyeliner than he had ever seen a girl wear. "Just… black."

"Black like your soul, I'll bet," said the redhead, turning. "Well, this pot's old. I'll put on a new one. It'll just take a few minutes." Squall nodded, and left to go find a seat in the small but secluded place. Actually, it wasn't that secluded. It was about a half-step from where Yuffie had mowed him down, but whatever.

Squall found a sufficiently secluded space in the corner. He loved corners. He took the time to simply try to straighten his brain out. He wanted to break up with Yuffie, but he was afraid of major stalkage or Yuffie committing suicide or something equally horrendous. He had bleakly remembered Yuffie's last break-up, and how she had put the guy in the hospital when he told her that he didn't love her anymore. Squall certainly didn't want that to happen.

"Girl trouble?"

Squall opened his eyes, and found the redhead staring at him, a deteriorating yellow lollipop hanging limply out of his lips. It was a little unnerving. Squall didn't even hear him walk over. "How could you tell?" Squall asked, a little cautiously.

The redhead twirled the candy with his tongue, pushing it to the side of his mouth. "Your face," he said, pulling the candy out with a slight pop. "You look so… hopeless." The man grinned again, and Squall could detect an underlying tone of 'HAHA YOU SUCK BALLS, MAN' in the redhead's glee.

"I suppose," said Squall, not really willing to spill his soul out to some air headed stranger. Said stranger leisurely brought the sucker back into his lips, pushing it so far down that only the end of the stick was protruding outwards. What a cock tease.

"I mean… well, fuck," said Squall, carefully moving his gaze away from the other man. He needed to talk to somebody, as much as he hated to admit it. If he tried to talk to Cloud, the bumbling idiot would probably laugh in his face and call Yuffie to torture him more. "Well, you see, my girlfriend is… clingy."

The other man had successfully retrieved his lollipop from his throat, and was now staring at the sticky thing with morbid fascination. "Well, clingy is good, sometimes."

"But she stalks me," said Squall, feeling almost like he was being watched. "It's fucking creepy."

"So… get a restraining order and pelt her with jawbreakers from far away?"

"She'd kill herself."

The redhead sighed, crossing his legs. "Well, then you're stuck, unless you do something a little drastic."

"Like what?" said Squall, utterly devoid of any ideas. The redhead raised an eyebrow, grin spreading tenfold. The Jaws theme song was suddenly back in Squall's head.

"Let her catch you with another girl. She'll be so mad she'll probably-"

"-kill me in my sleep," finished Squall. The redhead rolled his eyes, leaning his chair back and staring at the ceiling fan, apparently racking his brain for more ideas.

"What would she do if she caught you with another guy?"

Squall stared at the redhead for a few minutes.

The redhead was still grinning when Squall was swishing around words like strong, mint-flavored mouthwash. "She'd probably… scream. And run. She's pretty homophobic." Squall didn't really see anything wrong with gay people, but wasn't exactly going to start screwing men any time soon.

"Well, then, there's your idea! Find a gay guy, make out with him in front of the Yufe-Meister, and abracadabra, no more girlfriend!" The thin man pushed his lollipop back into his mouth and abruptly stood, making his way back behind the counter. He took his time in pouring Squall a cup of coffee, leaving the brunette hanging on a silly conversation over at his table. When the man returned, he placed the cup of coffee before Squall, and took his seat again.

"I don't know any gay or even bisexual men," said Squall, the idea still not really connecting in his head. It was a simple feat, really. Let Yuffie catch him making out with some other guy, and POOF, no more stalker. He slowly took a sip of his coffee, letting the bitterness bite at his poor, defenseless tongue.

"Yeah, you do," said the redhead, very matter-of-factly.

"Oh?"

"Axel Nadie, at your service," said the redhead, finally introducing himself. He bit down on the remaining stub of sugar on his lollipop, letting the colorful candy stick to his molars. "I'll be happy to help you get rid of your girlfriend. I know her from high school. Yuffie Kisaragi, right? I recognized her crazy wail from halfway down the damn street. She's nuts."

"So… you're gay?"

Axel cackled, and his laughter sounded like dripping syrup. "You noticed?"

"You weren't being very subtle, oh Straight-Forward One."

"Hey, I like candy."

"A little too much, judging by your enthusiasm to deep-throat it."

"Fuck off," laughed Axel, standing up as the merry tinkling of a wind chime signified another customer had entered the shop. Squall glanced at the wall-clock on the far corner of the little café, and it signified that he had to leave.

"I had better get going," said Squall, taking one last, long, satisfying gulp of coffee. He stood, wondering if he should come back to the coffee shop later, and somehow devise a scheme with Axel. But, unexpectedly, his left arm was grabbed, and Axel hiked up the other man's sleeve of his leather jacket and quickly scrawled down a phone number in a leaky black pen.

"Call me. We'll talk," said Axel, grinning at Squall. Only then did Squall notice that Axel was almost eye-level with him. Really, Axel's personality made him appear to be bigger. And with that simple sentence, Axel winked coyly, before ushering the brunette out of the door and paying attention to his new customer.

It was about 20 minutes later that Squall realized he didn't pay for the coffee.

His day wasn't turning out so bad.

* * *

"That's your great scheme?" 

"Yep."

"Brilliant. Just… brilliant. I always knew you were a flaming faggot! I mean, Yuffie does kinda look like a dude."

That was the moment that Squall extended his arm and smashed Cloud Strife, his best friend since grade school, over the head. Cloud laughed while wincing in pain, bringing his head back up. The two sat on Cloud's doorstep, Squall effectively squooshing his memories with vodka. Cloud hadn't drunk anything, but he knew Squall, and when Squall drank he would drink until he would pass out. He usually happened to pass out on Cloud's couch, and the blonde ended up taking care of him. Cloud decided it was best to remain sober.

"And I know this Axel guy. Heard about him from some people. He's pretty weird," said Cloud, crushing an ant with the palm of his hand. The sun was setting on the horizon, painting a candy coated dream in the sky.

"How so?" gurgled Squall, the alcohol already taking effect on his brain.

"He breeds scorpions as a hobby. A friend of mine went over to his house to buy one, once, and the entire place was just filled with candy. He lives with his little sister, apparently," said Cloud, giving a one-shouldered shrug. "But, hell. I've never actually met him. I hear he speaks fluent Spanish, too."

"What does that have to do with anything?" slurred Squall. Cloud laughed. Viewing an embarrassed Squall was funny, but seeing him inebriated was a fucking Kodak moment.

"I don't know. Just a random fact."

"I hate random facts," grumbled Squall, leaning his head onto Cloud's shoulder, closing his eyes. The blonde rolled his blue-berry-candy-cane optics, knowing that sooner or later, Squall would pass out. "Your little brother looks like a girl."

Cloud opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't think of a retort of any kind. Sora did kind of look like a girl. So, Cloud shut his mouth, and let Squall pass out on his front step.

* * *

Axel opened his door to find a little brunette with flipped out hair and wide doll-eyes staring up at him. 

"Do you want some cookies? Only ten dollars a box, mister!" she said, working all of her sweetness. Axel looked at her like she was crazy.

"No."

Axel closed the door in her face.

* * *

Sora: I do not look like a girl. 

Archy: Yes, you do. In fact, here's a dress! (hands Sora a dress)

Sora: (pouts)

Well, please review More chapters coming soon.

PS. Sydni, yes, you are. Hahaha.


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